FATHER CHRISTMAS:
A room a room. Give me some room. Give me room to play. Or by the end of this old broom, I'll sweep you all away! Yea, welcome fools and drunks and quacks and old straw dolls and chimney stacks. Welcome dames and hares and mules. Welcome drunks and welcome fools. For in comes I, Old Father Christmas Ho! Ho! Ho! A man with more memories than mind. So if I chance to forget your name, be sure to write by christmas time. Yea room a room give me some room, let's not delay it further, for tonight I will retell a tale of evil and odious murder! So if you don’t believe a word I say, step in the Turkish Knight and have him clear the way!
TURK:
I am the Turkish Knight. I had me forty crooks. I specialise in evil eyes and rotten dirty looks. I seek the one they call Prince George, to put him in the stocks. I'll whip his hide while he's tied up and make him smell my socks!
GEORGE:
Huzzah! In comes I Prince George, Christendom's finest Sir. I'm come to fight with all my might that villainous Turkish cur. I’ve come afar, from great crusades and never was once defeated. So with this Turk I'll go beserk unless my arse is beated-ed!
TURK:
This English snob is just the job for me and my bloodthirsty mob.
GEORGE:
My Turkish delight, you look a sight, run back to you cradle. Or if you chance a fight in vain, I'd make haste Sir before you're slain!
TURK:
A foolish statement Sir!
GEORGE:
And what of it?
TURK:
I suggest you retract it immediately…
GEORGE:
Balderdash!
TURK:
And consult with a lawyer!
GEORGE:
Nonsense. I’ll take it in triplicate! Do the death! Huzzah!
* * *
GEORGE:
He strikes! He parries! He lunges! He misses!
TURK:
I’ve got to go and do the dishes!
GEORGE:
Come out come out wherever you are!
TURK:
I may be near I may be far!
GEORGE:
Come on out Turk, where are you? I haven’t got all day.
TURK:
Heh heh heh…
GEORGE:
Come on man, this isn’t fair. I want to kill you!
TURK:
Heh heh heh…
GEORGE:
Turkish Knight? Turkish Knight? Turkey? Yoo Hoo?
TURK:
Heh heh…Take that!
GEORGE:
Arrrgh! That really hurts you devil! I’m going to die!
FATHER CHRISTMAS:
Oh my poor boy and all that! Ho! Ho! Ho! Oh George are you ok?
GEORGE:
Not really!
FATHER CHRISTMAS:
Perhaps all is not lost, perhaps all is not found to be as bad as this lad with his guts on the ground. Bring me a doctor! Ho! Ho! Ho! [pause]
I said bring me a doctor!
DOCTOR:
Here's a doctor! Not a fish but a sturdy surgeon of fine repute and if your house is ill, I'll see him good. Through a maze of fields of corn I came, to here to heal your ear and wigged I past the tumbledown cat house and beyond the legendary haystack! And there before my eyes was a beautiful hillock of great magnitude upon which stood a golden apple crumble. And as I clamored forth into the thick of it an ancient oaken stile caught my knee and hurled me head over heels unto a hollow whereupon I spent many a happy hour gazing up at cloud matters and marshmallows. After a time I cured my ails with… ale made from reasonable ingredients: tree bark, radiator juice, extract of malt, that kind of thing and….
FATHER CHRISTMAS:
Ho! Ho! Ho! Get on with it!
DOCTOR:
And oh, yes my boy. Looking so cold and dishevelled amongst the daisies. A veritable stick of a man, neither human nor drift wood, but a besom made of fine modern materials. Now who's been sweeping the floor with you?
GEORGE:
The Turkish Knight!
DOCTOR:
Oh don’t worry about him my boy. Why I once cured a magpie once of the toothache…
GEORGE:
How did you do that doctor?
DOCTOR:
I cut off its head. And threw it into a ditch!
FATHER CHRISTMAS:
Ho! Ho! Ho! You’re no doctor!
DOCTOR:
I am a doctor, of proud doctor’s stock. So I pray thee young fellow, rise up thy hard… head!
GEORGE:
Uuuurgh!
DOCTOR:
Bring on Jack Finney then. He'll pull the teeth out from this hen. Come on Jack give me a leg on me horse
JACK:
I'm nowhere to be found Sir!
DOCTOR:
I can see that Jack. Help me up Sir!
JACK:
Help yourself Sir!
DOCTOR:
What’s that Jack?
JACK:
Butcher’s holt!
DOCTOR:
Oh Jack Finney! Take this old mare and rub her up and down with sandwich spread and pigs’ milk!
JACK:
Oh horror!
DOCTOR:
Bah humbug! You wouldn't see old Father Christmas shedding tears over an old janitor's dust mop
FATHER CHRISTMAS:
Doctor! Doctor! Stop, desist! How come you to be so pissed? Ho! Ho! Ho! Can’t you see this boy is not asleep here in bed? He’s cold, he’s old, he’s stiff, he’s dead!
DOCTOR:
Terribly sorry young man, allow me to smother you with this blanket?
HUMP:
In comes I old humpback jack, with my wife and my family on my back. I come a travelling with my kit, what's contained, contained's in it. I walked me many a weary mile to come across this spot and now I'll be on my way good sirs, to places where I'm not.
BEELZEBUB:
Would anyone care for a tune from this old maid?
Ha it's me Beelzebub! Come to stroke your pleasure nub. I'll warm this corpse up from it's death, with befouled notes from whiskey breath. I swallowed my grandmother's donkey and cart once but couldn't digest the wheels, now let's make speed to raise this steed and see just how he feels...
GEORGE:
Once I was dead and now I'm alive. Blessed be the good Sir that made me revive. I wish you good evenings as the night comes in. May you get yourselves drunk and bring me a gin!
[SINGING]
Good masters, good mistress, you listened to my play,
Remember this poor mummer a plodding through the day.
The day it is so very long, the play so very draining,
Pray thrust your hands into your purse and yield your pence remaining!
For it’s my mummers play and it’s your mummers too,
And I thank you very much for not leaving half way through!
FATHER CHRISTMAS:
Ho! Ho! Ho!
